Defiled by Vermin: The Epiphany of a Robbed Medical Marijuana Patient Wednesday 26 September, 2012

By: Kaptain Kush


Witnessing the sight of tears from my roommate rips a hole in my soul, as tears run down her cheek at the site of her disheveled and vandalized room. Upon having another productive and honest day’s work at, this medical marijuana patient returns home and sees the horrors of our humble abode being chaotically torn apart. The sanctity of home safety has been lost…

After calling police to report this cowardly act — a quick survey of the damage has left this stoner, glass and marijuana-less in addition to missing laptops, TV’s, electronics, furniture, documents, garments and cologne. If the burglars are so ‘hard-up’ and in dire need to freshen up their game, they can have all my cologne and get a page out of a real G.Q.’s book. Not everyone has the Ron Swanson flavor.


With all my Master Yoda Kush, Hardcore OG and Zob glass in the hands of cowards – the vices of the Sith-side start to overwhelm my Jedi Force and without the soothing effects of marijuana at my disposal, the Jack Daniels bottle starts to beckon, the weapon of the dark-side; an archenemy that wreaks havoc when we battle. This Jedi is left without his Zob lightsaber and Jedi cannabis.

After going to war with Jack, a violent rage escapades – spilling into the neighborhood with drunken idiocy and the bellows of why no one saw anything upon prior questioning, later resulting in a fellow neighbor calling the cops. The only rage that would have ensued if those cowards hadn’t stolen my marijuana – would be after smoking a bowl of indica and seeing that those vandals stole all the food too, which they didn’t because baby bok choy, risotto, basil, Gorgonzola cheese are not apart of their vernacular. If that wasn’t the case and you were left munchies-less, then rage on my friend. Questions now arise about the ongoing attacks on regulated medical marijuana dispensaries, while liquor stores are open at every corner.

After going through the 7 stages of grief – with stage 3: anger taking a majority of the time – stage 7: acceptance has quenched my drunken thirst for blood, just in time for the police that I only called 2 hours earlier. With a negative stigma of the fuzz, this policeman reduced that stigma just slightly due to his helpful and gregarious nature. While the portly cop continued his forensic work, police enforcement that was earlier called by my neighbors due to stage 3: drunken anger; three big and angry cops forcefully rushed into the house and asked about a domestic disturbance/public intoxication call with their eyes leering in my direction. Either they are getting ready to arrest me or they are wishing this handsome devil had a gay twin for them. Sorry on the later gents. While they were attempting their bullyish tactics of intimidation and before they could act, the initial portly forensics-burglary cop put the 3 much more physically-intimidating cops in check. Bitch-slapped doesn’t do it justice. Reminiscent of when Farley out-dueled Patrick Swayze (R.I.P)…


My favorite cop in the world eloquently objected to those claims and said to “run along” – with the much larger cops hanging their heads after being hit on the head with a newspaper. Sit! After an elongated, yet delightful conversation with officer ‘Farley’ as he obtained data from the crime scene, slyly flirting with my female roommate; ‘Farley’ unveiled why it took him 2 hours to get to the house while the 3 other cops took only 30 minutes to arrive looking for blood from this medical marijuana patient. A burglary is a tier 4 crime while domestic disturbance/public intoxication is tier 1 – meaning the priority of the crime; tier 1 shared with rape, murder and gun/drug/alcohol offenses. The caveat? A burglary vaults to tier 1 only if the home has an alarm system installed. Er, an alarm system installed by a company that works directly with the police.

The word of the day kids is ‘Kick-Back.’

Riddle me this. So a crook robs 2 neighbors. The rich neighbor has an alarm system while the other one doesn’t. 30 minutes compared to 2 hours doesn’t add up. Also why does it take 3 athletic cops to seek my foolish-drunken rage while a home burglary w/o an alarm system gets — albeit he was lovely – a portly Chris Farley type of a cop sleuthing our case. The 3 cops were only called due to my drunken rage, while if medical marijuana was available; this story wouldn’t have existed. Brought to you by Jack Daniels. Why is marijuana chastised while booze isn’t? Riddles galore. Fire up the bat signal Commissioner Gordon…

After the assistance of fellow comrades from the medical marijuana community, and several bowls consisting of a mélange of several indica and sativa marijuana strains, the medicinal effects of marijuana has soothed my soul from this frivolous bullshit. Life is too beautiful to be bogged down by stolen material possessions and the crime that exists due to lily-livered cowards that need to turn to a life of burglary – amongst the company of…


When garments were mentioned earlier with the missing items jacked from the house, it wasn’t any of my clothes. Their frail and tiny, Gargamel-like frames couldn’t fit my Adonis-like stature. This supporter of medical marijuana legalization doesn’t shop at Kids”R”Us. Erase the stigma of the antiquated Willie Nelson hippy-stoner and bring on the modern-day Don Draper stoner stereotypes. Ok, enough with the valid narcissism. The garments that were stolen were numerous female undergarments – I understand the laptops, Ipads, and such, but damn. To be that hard-up to vandalize a woman’s private drawers is quite sad, to say the least. This pot smoker is too dapper to understand the logic of sexually frustrated, pent-up deviants. They really do need my material possessions more than I, for them to be pulling skeezy game like that.

‘From the Ashes Rises a Phoenix.’ This ordeal of a medical marijuana patient has helped cleanse the soul and it’s helped upgrade a new perspective on life. Enjoying the positive mind-expanding effects of marijuana, life is too beautiful to dwell on the negatives and this dashing pothead’s horizon is too pleasant. We live in a world filled with the unethical sexually-depraved. This smoker of medical marijuana wouldn’t know of such dogmas. The doctrine of this man falls in queue with the ilks of the Doc Holliday’s of the world — just insert a Zob marijuana bubbler in place of the shot glass…

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