The Munchiest Fast Food Breakfast Items Thursday 09 February, 2012

By: Kaptain Kush


Ah the munchies. A stoner’s best friend and worst enemy. A wave of the munchies can be a beautiful thing late at night. Or a very ugly thing the next morning. Or vice versa. And no type of stoner munchie illustrates this fact better than Fast Food munchies. Temptation is fuggin’ everywhere.


1. McDonald’s Hash Browns. AKA the excalibur in the fast food breakfast game. Pure, unadulterated fried chronic. I’m pretty sure I could eat about 30 of these Hash Browns in ten minutes, they’re so goddamn delicious. For all that McDonald’s does wrong–and that list is long–the Hash Browns are ON FUCKIN POINT no matter which MacDeez nuts you go to in what country. These Hash Browns have Prestige. Worldwide. As are most of the other breakfast items they serve. From the classic hotcakes and sausage platters – and by God that is the best sausage ever - to crazy stuff like the McGriddle, McDonald’s is an example of why fast food is the best in the morning–particularly when high in the Kush Clouds. I can’t even really name a single item they serve in the AM that isn’t amazing. McGriddles. McMuffins. It’s all gravy. In fact I dare say that the only good food at McDonald’s is their breakfast. Basically, McDonald’s not serving breakfast all day is criminal–and a shitty business move.


2. Cinnabon Delights, from Taco Bell. Part of Taco Bell’s new “First Meal” menu that launched last week, these little guys are perfect for the sweet tooth among us. The first of many cinnamon entries on this list, Cinnabon Delights are little fried dough balls rolled in cinnamon sugar and filled with delicious Cinnabon icing. The only negative? There’s not enough in the bag.

3. Enormous Omelette Sandwich, from Burger King. This hideous beast of a breakfast sandwich is legendary. It was so popular it sent The King’s breakfast sales up by 20%, but so deadly that it was pulled from the menu within months due to controversy – only after BK released an even more caloric version of it, of course. Take a big, long bun, top it with three eggs, three strips of bacon, a huge sausage patty, and tons of cheese. The “advanced” version? Add ham on that and call it the “Meat’normous”. Yeah, really. Rest in peace, Enormous Omelette Sandwich. You will be missed.


4. Breakfast Burrito, from Jack in the Box. There’s no debate about it – burritos are amazing. You know what’s the best though? Burritos with eggs, bacon, sausage, chorizo. Breakfast burritos belong in the pantheon of mankind’s greatest inventions, and while it’s rare for the mad hatter of Fast Food Joints, Jack in the Box hits this one out of the park. That meat-gasm is calling my name.

5. Biscuits, from Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Hardee’s, the midwestern equivalent of Carl’s Jr, is legendary for its homemade biscuits, served every morning. Luckily, Carl’s Jr. just adopted the same scratch-made biscuit recipe as their brother restaurant, so now everyone can fulfill their biscuit fix. Made by hand every single day, these biscuits are fluffy, warm, and make some insane sandwiches, including the Loaded Omelette Sandwich, containing crumbled sausage, bacon, ham and cheddar cheese. Definitely wish these were around all day though – I’d love a biscuit and gravy with my Western Bacon Cheeseburger

6. Cinna-Minis, from Burger King. Burger King’s always felt like McDonald’s little brother, always trying to catch up, especially in the morning. Luckily, that competition has inspired some creative dishes – the Enormous Omelette Sandwich should stand for that – and this is no exception. Cinna-Minis are tiny little cinnamon rolls that come with their own little cup of icing for you to dunk them in. If you’re there at the right time of morning, these babies will be nice and fresh, which is definitely the best way to eat them.

7. Cinnabon and Krispy Kreme. Cinnabon and Krispy Kreme make you feel dead every time you eat at either sugared out bun factory. But it’s sort of a good dead. Cinnabon’s gooey cinnamon rolls, sugar-blasted confections and cinnamon-doused everything might as well be the sole cause for America’s obesity epidemic. And a warm, frosted Krispy Kreme donut is how we can only wish female genitalia tasted like.

8. Breakfast Wrap, from Taco Bell. Those of you who frequent Taco Bell as much as I do know about a little thing called the Crunchwrap. It’s a layer of beef, chicken or steak, with sour cream and cheese piled on top of a layer of lettuce and tomato separated by a crunchy tortilla and wrapped in a flour tortilla. Some genius decided that Taco Bell, as part of the “First Meal” breakfast menu, should forego the usual filling for a Crunchwrap in favor of egg and sausage. This was a great idea and the man responsible should be given the Nobel Prize.

9. Sausage Pancake Bites, Dunkin Donuts. Dunkin’ Donuts is one of those things I’d trade my west coast weather for, certainly with food like this. It’s sausage bites wrapped in maple-soaked pancakes. Speaks for itself – though I’m still waiting for Dunkin’ Donuts to make a breakfast sandwich out of the donuts that they’re famous for.

10. Breakfast Burger, Carl’s Jr. This entree is enemy number one of the health food establishment. The Breakfast Burger is a meal item right out of satire – it’s a cheeseburger, complete with ketchup, topped with egg, bacon, and hash browns. Not only is this thing amazing stoned, but it’s highly likely that its inventor was stoned while putting it together. Very, very stoned.

Anything that you like with your morning mary jane that’s not on this list? Comment and share your breakfast fast food favorites!



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